Life

It might not be quite the end of the world.. but I can see it from here.

It’s October and the dumpster fire that is 2020 is still burning. It would take all of 2.5 seconds to Google “2020” and have an endless list of things that have gone wrong and so very little that has gone right. I will set the stage: End of February 2020 Covid-19 or Coronavirus makes its debut in the United States. That’s when things got real, REAL fast. I thought I’d make my own list to document the time. To add insult to injury time has lost all meaning. Days, weeks, months all blur together into one giant, SHIT colored blob. Sadly, what this ends up feeling like is that somehow we’ve missed out on 8 months of life and yet can’t wait for this part to be over, a weird juxtaposition to be sure.

In no particular order…

Months and months of pivoting, resourcefulness, mental toughness, positive thinking, being “flexible and fluid”, meditating, journaling, teletherapy, , grocery delivery, cleaning the groceries (literally cleaning the groceries before they entered the house), making our own disenfecting wipes ( yup we DIY’d our own cleaning supplies WTH?!), baking bread, toilet paper shortage, social distancing, making masks, wearing masks, disinfecting, panicking, not panicking, stock piling the toilet paper and cleaning wipes, watching waaaaaayy to much Netflix, Zoom happy hours, backyard haircuts, WFH became the new hip work status, worrying.. the worrying… so much worry, drive thru testing, drive by birthday and graduation celebrations, more disenfecting, and again with the pivoting, lowering of expectations around all the things– but maintaining the hope ( oh ok, I’ve still got the energy for that), missing hugs, virtual schooling, hybrid schooling, BLM movement with protests in almost every major city, police shootings, hate crimes, mask shaming, conspiracy theories abound, airborne versus surfaces, wildfires threatening every inch of the West coast states and poisoning the air, election season started, wildlife attacks on the rise, hurricanes, floods, more meditating, more therapy, and sadly the biggest item on this list… soooo many lives lost- currently 200,000 in the United States alone, and growing, and more than 1 million people worldwide infected.

Yet we get up everyday and we start again, we have to, because we can, and that makes us the lucky ones. The ones that get a chance to do it better next time around. What a terrible waste of a life (or those lives no longer given the option) to not even try to do better, to be better. Let’s add survivor’s guilt to the list.

I have always been the ray of sunshine (albeit sarcastic sunshine) when things got bleak. I was always able to find the silver lining in what would be a dark cloud to most. As I take stock of where I’ve been and where I’m headed, I sit here with more questions than answers, and an ever growing list of things I hope/ need to change in my own world, but struggle to see the light.

I tell myself “Just keep swimming” (eternal words of wisdom from Dory the fish). It’s not going to be smooth or pretty, but I’m over here just treading water and dog paddling my ass off, feeling good about that.

You’re fine.. Everything is fine.

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